21

I started this blog when I was 16. 

I'm about to turn 21. 

I keep thinking about what I would tell my naive and dreamy 16 year old self, or what I would say to my future daughter, if I had one. What I would want those girls to know. 

I want to tell them: 

Be hungry. 

Do not be afraid to be hungry. 

Because being hungry for your next meal and hungry to live a full life, these are basically the same thing. 

Because food is connected to love and lust and happiness and depression and every emotion and experience, all the weddings and all the funerals. 

Because eating is tangled into the fabric of being human.

And yet. 

There are girls who are afraid to eat. 

Who exist solely on salads and cigarettes. 

Who only eat a meal and a half a day.

Who starve themselves, or throw up what they've eaten. 

Who don't eat in front of boys, because maybe the boys will figure out that they are not made of air. 

Who say they were "bad" because they ate a cookie instead of an apple. 

I have known all of these girls. 

Maybe even been one or two of them. 

And I just want to tell that future daughter of mine, or my 16 year old self, that there is no shame in having a real appetite. 

That there is no shame in being hungry and then eating until you are full. 

That no one actually cares if you are a little fat or a little thin. 

That eating and drinking and enjoying it, and really owning the hunger, goes so far beyond the table. 

Because there is no better way to be present in the here and now than to enjoy a meal. 

And being present feels like the opposite of being dead. 

And what is the point in being anything other than fiercely, rudely, gorgeously alive? 

That's what I would say.

So I'm about to turn 21, and that thought makes my stomach curdle a little bit, because adulthood suddenly seems like a very imminent, and very near reality. 

But I can't think about that. 

I'm too focused on getting from city to city, bed to bed, meal to meal. 

But sometimes, like right now, I stop and drink a coffee and write to you and stare out a window and try to appreciate the beauty. 

And I want to cry and I want to kiss you and I want champagne. 

Because it's all so beautiful, and I am still so young and so naive and so hungry, and because I just ate maybe the best sandwich of my entire life.

It was an inspired sandwich. 

So I'm about to turn 21. 

How incredible. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

xoxo

m 

Tiramisu

I spent several hours last Friday with Luca and Piper, making a tiramisu. 

It was so beautiful. 

I accidentally dropped a entire bowl of whipped cream on the floor.

We dunked ladyfingers in rum and espresso, stirred custard, and layered everything with architectural precision for hours. 

I thought to myself: There is nothing else I would rather be doing. 

I don’t know quite how to explain to you, but sometimes I so strongly feel the unbearable brevity of life. 

Dessert is a perfect metaphor for this feeling: you eat it, and it is gone, living on only as a picture and a memory of a flavor. 

These days, there is so much to love, to hold on to, to learn, to do. 

There is so little time.
These nows do not last forever. 

I don’t know what to do with this feeling.
But it makes me want to make more tiramisu and sing louder and hold you tighter and tighter.
Because tomorrow is uncertain. 

Because life is too short to not do these things. 

Now does not last forever. 

It is all so short. 

It is just so very, very short. 

(We made it for a birthday.) (Also Luca took most of these pictures.) 

xoxo

m 

Tiramisu
from allrecipes.com

6 egg yolks
3/4 cup white sugar
2/3 cup milk
1 1/4 cup heavy cream
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 pound mascarpone cheese
1/4 cup strong brewed coffee at room temperature
2 tablespoons rum
2 (3 ounce) packages ladyfinger cookies
1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder


-In a medium saucepan, whisk together egg yolks and sugar until well blended. Whisk in milk and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture boils. Boil gently for 1 minute, remove from heat and allow to cool slightly. Cover tightly and chill in refrigerator 1 hour.

-In a medium bowl, beat cream with vanilla until stiff peaks form. Whisk mascarpone into yolk mixture until smooth.

-In a small bowl, combine coffee and rum. Split ladyfingers in half lengthwise and drizzle with coffee mixture.

-Arrange half of soaked ladyfingers in bottom of a 7x11 inch dish. Spread half of mascarpone mixture over ladyfingers, then half of whipped cream over that. Repeat layers and sprinkle with cocoa. Cover and refrigerate 4 to 6 hours, until set.

Lighter-Than-Air-Chocolate Cake

Hello Beloveds, 

Yesterday was my birthday. 

I’m 20. 

Now is such a difficult and strange time, and the past several months have had me all achey and breakey. Growing pains. 

Somehow, yesterday, the sky was tremendous and blue and I felt this delight and calm settle over me. I don’t know if it was the weather, or the fact that I was very tired, or just because I’m no longer a teen. 

But I was so happy. 

I am still so happy. 

A friend asked me what my intention for being 20 is. I told her, I said, "Gratitude and forgiveness. And I want to write better songs." 

That’s all. 

The future is strange and dark. No one, no one, no one knows what is coming next. And yet, somehow yesterday, under that blue sky, I felt a lightness and freedom that I have not felt for a very, very long time. 

It’s all going to come out in the wash, falling down and picking myself up again, with a song in my throat, I go forward. 

We go forward together. 

Thank you thank you thank you. 

Lighter-Than-Air-Flourless-Chocolate-Cake

via SmittenKitchen.com 

My mother baked me this incredible cake. It’s like eating a chocolate cloud. And gluten free! 

To make four cake layers:
12 oz fine-quality bittersweet chocolate (not unsweetened), chopped
6 tablespoons water
12 large eggs, separated, at room temperature
1 1/3 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons Dutch-process unsweetened cocoa powder

For filling: 
2 cups heavy cream
6 tablespoons confectioners sugar, sifted
4 tablespoons Grand Marnier* or Rum of Some Kind or Other 

Make cake layers: Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease four 9-inch circular cake pans and line bottoms of circles with a piece of parchment paper.

Melt chocolate with water in a small heavy saucepan over very low heat, stirring. Cool to lukewarm.

Beat yolks, 2/3 cup sugar, and salt in a large bowl with an electric mixer until thick and pale, about 5 minutes in a standing mixer or about 8 minutes with a hand-held mixer. Fold in melted chocolate until blended. Beat whites with cleaned beaters until they just hold soft peaks (you will need an enormous bowl for 12 egg whites).

Gradually add remaining 2/3 cup sugar and beat until whites just hold stiff peaks. Fold one third of whites into melted-chocolate mixture to lighten, then fold in remaining whites gently but thoroughly.

Spread batter evenly over four baking pans and bake until puffed and top is dry to the touch, 15 to 18 minutes, rotating cakes between racks to ensure they bake evenly. Transfer pans to cooling racks and if necessary, loosen edges with a knife.

Sift cocoa powder over top of cake layers and place a piece of waxed paper over the top of the pans. Place a baking sheet over paper and invert cake onto it, gently peeling off wax paper lining. Place layers in the freezer for about an hour, until they are firm enough to be carefully lifted without breaking.

Make filling: Beat cream with powdered sugar and Grand Marnier with cleaned beaters until it just holds stiff peaks.

Fill and stck cake: Bring first cake layer out of the freezer and arrange on platter, cocoa side down. Spread one-quarter of filling evenly over the cake. Bring the next cake layer out of the freezer, placing it gently over the filling, again cocoa side down. Repeat this process until all layers and whipped cream are used.

Keep cake in the refrigerator until you are ready to serve it. Two hours should be more than enough to assure that the layers are no longer frozen.

Dark chocolate grated into curls with a vegetable peeler makes for an excellent garnish.

* You can substitute the following for Grand Marnier: 4 tablespoons Cognac and 1 teaspoon vanilla; 4 tablespoons cocoa and 1 teaspoon vanilla; or 4 teaspoons instant-espresso powder or instant-coffee granules dissolved in 4 teaspoons water plus 1 teaspoon vanilla.

Embarrassment and Yellow Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting and Lemon Curd and Blueberries

All my efforts at social suavity tend to fail. 
I'm fine if I don't work at it and if I don't think about it.
But if I do...


Oh Lord Help Me.


What else can you do but laugh? 


Embarrassment is the strangest emotion. You want to die. But you want to laugh as you crawl into the hole you've dug for yourself. 


There are two kinds of awkward people, those who keep their episodes to themselves, and people who tell everyone about said episodes because somehow they believe that this will alleviate the embarrassment. Which it never does. 
Obviously, I'm in the latter category. 


In the past several months, my brain-t0-mouth-filter has been incapacitated. No. That's wrong. 
It's like my brain has been incapacitated. 
To say this is deeply unfortunate would be putting it mildly. 





Awkward Things

1. When you invite yourself along to other people's events,  and then they get annoyed because obviously they didn't invite you for a reason, and then you feel bad because you (wrongly) thought they wouldn't mind.

2. Facebook chat.

3. When you are so surprised by what someone else has said that literally you cannot get words out. I mean, you literally forget how to talk. 

4. Vibrams 

5. Not remembering people's names when they remember yours. 
6. When you accidentally drop the f-bomb as you give a wedding toast, in front of your entire extended family.

The list goes on for a long time but I don't really want to talk about this anymore.

Despite these unfortunate circumstances, I firmly believe that if you offer people cookies they will generally forgive you for all of your lack of social grace. 

Unless of course, you're awkward when you try to force the cookies on them.

Believe me, it's happened. 

More than twice. 

Anyways, the point of this is to say, DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT OFFERING PEOPLE CAKE . Because that's even more awkward than offering them cookies. Just, do not even think about it. Cake is messy. Cake has LAYERS. Cake can fall over. Cake has frosting. Just... don't even go there. 
Unless of course, you want to give cake to me, in which case I will be SO forgiving of your awkward flaws, because I like cake more than I like you. 

Or maybe I shouldn't say that.

Awkward.

Yellow Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting and Lemon Curd and Blueberries 

This is really fine. The cake itself is awesome, dense, light, filling, flavorful. If you're really ambitious you can make lemon curd yourself. I have done this before but it takes a lot of time. I simply used lemon curd from a jar. I am such a cheater.


For Cake
from SmittenKitchen.com


Yield: Two 9-inch round, 2-inch tall cake layers, and, in theory, 22 to 24 cupcakes, two 8-inch squares or a 9×13 single-layer cake (I have yet to audition the cupcakes, shame on me)


4 cups plus 2 tablespoons (480 grams) cake flour (not self-rising)
2 teaspoons (10 grams) baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon (5 grams) table salt
2 sticks (1 cup, 1/2 pound or 225 grams) unsalted butter, softened
2 cups (400 grams) sugar
2 teaspoons (10 ml) pure vanilla extract
4 large eggs, at room temperature
2 cups buttermilk (475 ml), well-shaken
Preheat oven to 350°F. Butter two 9-inch round cake pans and line with circles of parchment paper, then butter parchment. (Alternately, you can use a cooking spray, either with just butter or butter and flour to speed this process up.)
Sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a medium bowl. In a large mixing bowl, beat butter and sugar in a large bowl with an electric mixer at medium speed until pale and fluffy, then beat in vanilla. Add eggs 1 at a time, beating well and scraping down the bowl after each addition. At low speed, beat in buttermilk until just combined (mixture will look curdled). Add flour mixture in three batches, mixing until each addition is just Incorporated.
Spread batter evenly in cake pan, then rap pan on counter several times to eliminate air bubbles. (I like to drop mine a few times from two inches up, making a great big noisy fuss.) Bake until golden and a wooden pick inserted in center of cake comes out clean, 35 to 40 minutes. Cool in pan on a rack 10 minutes, then run a knife around edge of pan. Invert onto rack and discard parchment, then cool completely, about 1 hour.



Cream Cheese Frosting
from SmittenKitchen.com
Makes 6 cups
8 ounces cream cheese, room temperature
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter room temperature
3 cups confectioner’s sugar, sifted
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
Place cream cheese and butter in a medium bowl. With a handheld electric mixer, beat until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes. Add sugar and vanilla. Beat, on low speed to combine. If too soft, chill until slightly stiff, about 10 minutes, before using.


Make or Buy Your Own Lemon Curd

Blueberries


To Assemble Cake
Place first layer of cake on serving plate. Spread on a thick layer of lemon curd. Stack on second layer of cake. Frost the entire outside of cake with cream cheese frosting. You will perhaps have some leftover. Decorate creatively with blueberries. CONSUME. 

happy birthday to me

Darlings,

I am 19 years old today.

Think of all the breaths I have breathed and candles I have blown out, and people I have met and tears that I have cried. Would anyone ever have a baby if they really thought about all the hurt, and all the love, and all the pain, and all the sorrow, and all the joy, and all the delight that one person could experience, in the short/long span of just 19 years?

I think it's going to be the best year yet. 

I really do. 

And I'm going to share a secret with you. 

I want to make music.

I want to sing. 

I want to write. 

And I don't know how, and I don't know why. But it's what I want. And need. And this year I am going to claim it. I'll let you know how it works out. There is so much to do.

I want to think

again of dangerous

and noble things.

I want to be light 

and frolicsome

I want to be 

improbable beautiful

and afraid of 

nothing

as though I had 

wings

-Mary Oliver 

xoxo

Sunny Side Up Lemon Curd Cake

I never got to make my mom a birthday cake this year. I don't know why, but somehow, we were traveling on her special day and then school started and then I got sick and then finally my cake loving cousin came to town, and it was time to make her a cake.

This is a lemon cake. I adapted it from several Dorie Greenspan recipes. So I think I can say with some pride, that this cake is of my own invention. My dad christened it Sunny Side Up Lemon Curd Cake. If the name doesn't make you happy then probably nothing can.

It is extremely delicious. My mom said it was her favorite ever. I'd believe her, except she says that every time.

Dear Mom,

I love you so much. You are my mom. You carried me for 9 months in your womb. So obviously I am grateful. You remind me of irises, royal blue, pure white vases, grecian urns, birkenstocks, gardens, freshly baked bread, and lemon flavored desserts. Especially lemon bars.

You have let me play dress-up in your closet since I was two. You let me clunk around in your heels, and steal your scarves and wear your lipstick and twirl in that beautiful crazy colorful skirt that makes me think I have a career as a flamenco dancer. You let me tear it and play with it, because you knew that I NEEDED to play with that skirt.

You make me feel good when I'm blue and brought me breakfast when I was sick. And insist I take water with me where ever I go so I don't get dehydrated. And you always have to pee whenever we go to the library, just like I do. And you buy me treats and tell me not to worry so much. And you make beautiful things with clay, because you're a potter, which is something I tell everyone I meet with great pride.

"My mom is an Artist." I say.

And you don't know that but I guess you do now.

Anyways, I love you, happy belated birthday.

xoxo

m

Sunny Side Up Lemon Curd Cake

Adapted from several recipes in Baking: From My Home to Yours by Dorie Greenspan

For the Cake:

2 1/4 cups cake four

1 tablespoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 1/4 cups whole milk or buttermilk

4 large egg whites

1 1/2 cups sugar

2 teaspoons grated lemon zest

1 stick (8 tablespoons) unsalted butter, at room temperature

1/2 teaspoon pure lemon extract

For the Buttercream:

1 cup sugar

4 large egg whites

3 sticks unsalted butter, at room temperature

1/4 cup fresh lemon juice (from about 2 large lemons)

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

For the Lemon Curd:

1 1/4 cups sugar

3/4 stick (6 tablespoons) unsalted butter, cut into 6 pieces

1 large egg

6 large egg yolks

Freshly squeezed juice of 4 lemons

Getting Ready:

Center a rack in the oven and preheat to 350 degrees F. Butter two 9x2 inch round cake pans and line the bottom of each pan with a round of buttered parchment or wax paper. But the pans on a baking sheet.

To make the cake:

Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.

Whisk together the milk and egg whites in a medium bowl.

Put the sugar and lemon zest in a mixer bowl or another large bowl and rub them togehter with your fingers until the sugar is moist and fragrant. Add the butter and, working with the paddle or whisk attachment, or with a hand mixer, beat at medium speed for a full 3 minutes, until the butter and sugar are very light. Beat in the extract, then add one third of the flour mixture, still beating on medium speed. Beat in half of the milk-egg mixture, then beat in half of the remainging dry ingredients until incorporated. Add the rest of the milk and eggs, beating until the batter is homogeneous, then add the last of the dry ingredients. Finally, give the batter a good 2 minute beating to ensure that it is throughly mixed and well areated. Divide the batter between teh two pans and smooth the tops with a rubber spatula.

Bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until the cakes are well risen and springy to the touch--a thin knife inserted into the centers should come out clean. Transfer the cakes to cooking racks and cool for about 5 minutes, then run a knife around the sides of the cakes, unmold them and peel off the paper liners. Invert and cool to room temperature right side up. (The cool cake layers can be wrapped airtight and stored at room temperature overnight or frozen for up to 2 months.)

To make the buttercream:

Put the sugar and egg whites in a mixer bowl or other large heatproof bowl, fit the bowl over a pan of simmering water and whisk constantly, keeping the mixture over the heat, until it feels hot to the touch, about 3 minutes. The sugar should be dissolved, and the mixture will loook like shiny marshmallow cream. Remove the bowl from heat.

Working with the whisk attachment or witha hand mixer, beat the meringue on medium speed until it is cool, about 5 minutes. Switch to the paddle attachment if you have one, and add the butter a stick at a time, beating until smooth. Once all the butter is in, beat the buttercream on medium-high speed until it is thick and very smooth, 6 to 10 minutes. During this time, the buttercream may curdle or separate--just keep beating and it will come together again. On medium speed, gradually beat in the lemon juice, waiting until each addition is absorbed before adding more, and then the vanilla. You should have a shiny, smooth, velvety, pristine white buttercream. Press a piece of plastic against the surface of the buttercream and set aside briefly.

To make the lemon curd:

Put all the ingredients in a medium heavy-bottomed saucepan and stir witha heatproof spatula to moisten the sugar. Put the pan over medium-low heat and cook, stirring without stopping, until the butter melts and the mixture thickens like custard, 4 to 6 minutes. Keep your eyes on the pan, because the curd can curdle quickly. It is cooked enough when you can run your finger along the spatula and the curd doesn't run into the track you've created. Don't worry if the curd looks thin at this point--it will thicken more as it cools. Remove the pan from the heat and scrape the curd into a heatproof jar or bowl. Press a piece of plastic wrap against the curd to create an airtight seal and cool to room temperature before storing in the refridgerator.

To assemble the cake:

Place a cake layer on a cardboard round or cake plate. Spread layer with a thick layer of buttercream. Over this, carefully spread about 3/4 of the lemon curd. I'd suggest refrigerating or letting the lemon curd/frosting set before topping with the second cake layer.

After adding the second cake layer, gently frost cake with the rest of the buttercream. With the remaining 1/4 of the lemon curd dot decorate the top of the cake with large happy polka dots.