New York City, I want to hold your hand.

New York City. I love you. 

If I could be your lover I would. 
I would take your hands in my hands. 
And I just wouldn't let go. 

Because only in precious Queens will perfect boys take you to eat Indian/Chinese food in restaurants with disco balls. And to eat Thai food in gardens. The train to get there is so long. 


And only in Brooklyn will you go to random Hawaiian themed parties, and talk to boys with sad eyes, while eating sugary frozen pie from the Momofuku Milk Bar at 3am. Or go to Roberta's pizza with Olivia, 



and eat green covered pizzas, and poppy seeded gelato that tastes like sparkles. 



Or make your way through a cheese plate with a kind stranger/friend who tells you that she has "never fallen in love slowly." And get drunk on nice beer and brazilian music in your friend's basement kitchen. 



Because only in Manhattan will you eat dollar slices of pizza, and cheeseburgers and drink stella and talk about where it is you are/aren't, and get lost in plates of cold spicy noodles, and soup dumplings, and puerto rican ham sandwiches and perogies and cups of coffee and mango lassi, and drink more beer and eat two kinds of cheesecake in one sitting, and just love it all. 



However, there are no breakfast tacos in New York. 
So I'm back in Texas. 
So full, and also so hungry. 
A friend once told me, that maybe it's love when "you want to hold someone's hands, but they are already holding yours." 



New York City, you held my hand before I even tried to reach out. 

So blessed and so grateful. 




*****

Artichoke Basille's Pizza
328 E 14th St
New York, NY(212) 228-2004

Mission Chinese Food
154 Orchard St  New York, NY 10002
(212) 529-8800

La Taza de Oro

96 8th Ave  New York, NY 10011 (212) 243-9946

Roberta's
261 Moore St  Brooklyn, NY 11206
(718) 417-1118

Xian Foods
67 Bayard Street
New York, NY 10013 

SriPraPhai 
64-13 39th Ave
Woodside, NY(718) 899-9599

The Corner Bistro
331 W 4th St  New York, NY 10014
(212) 242-9502

Veniero's Italian Bakery

342 E 11th St  New York, NY 10003 (212) 674-7070 Caracas Arepa Bar 93 1/2 E 7th St  New York, NY 10003 (212) 529-2314 Diner 85 Broadway Williamsburg, Brooklyn 11249 Smourgasburg East River State Park (90 Kent Ave at N. 7 St) Blue Ribbon Sushi119 Sullivan St New York (212) 343-0404 Madman Espresso319  E 14th St  New York, NY 10003 (212) 505-2233 Velselka 144 2nd Ave New York, NY 10003 (212) 228-9682 BaoHaus238 E 14th St  New York, NY 10003(646) 669-8889 The Gray Dog90 University Pl New York, NY(212) 414-4739 Station166 N 7th St  Brooklyn, NY 11211(718) 599-1596

new york city finds me.

Beloveds, 

I am in New York City. 

And I am eating bagels and arepas and pastries and so much coffee. 
I've breakfasted, brunched, lunched and suppered. 
I ate sea urchin that tasted like the ocean was giving me a kiss and I drank sangria that tasted what nectar must taste like and I ate biscuits and pickled beets and fried chicken all in the same meal. 
I ate a croissant that came in an actual puddle of butter. 
I ate pizza with crust that was more of a crisp than a crust. 
I ate scrapple. I still don't really even know what scrapple is. 
Margaritas with fresh squeezed orange juice. Campari and prosecco with lime. 
Bread and butter. 
And I ate macaroni and cheese from a box one day when I was too tired to go out and feeling childlike and lonesome. 



What is this life. 



I think I am very happy for the first time in what feels like a very long time. 

I don't feel like looking back and discussing what has been.
And I don't feel like looking forward and asking what's next. 
I just want to be. 

I read this quote a while ago, from one of my favorite musicians, a man who goes by the moniker Shakey Graves. 
He said, 

"I am what I am, and with this old knowledge of new places I stand on the verge of wandering the earth until I am found. 
I am soon to be found."



I love this.
I believe it. 
I have believed it for so long. 
That you can be found. 

You are never so lost that you cannot be found. 

Whether it is by New York City, or a person to hold you, even just sharing a meal. 

You can always be found. 




And right now, I feel found. 


Places to Eat in New York City and Brooklyn 

Marea

240 Central Park S  New York, NY 10019 (212) 582-5100 Egg Restaurant  135 N 5th St  Brooklyn, NY 11211 (718) 302-5151 Marlow & Sons81 Broadway  Brooklyn, NY 11249 (718) 384-1441 Jacob's Pickle 509 Amsterdam Ave  New York, NY 10024 (212) 470-5566 Momofuku Milk Bar 561 Columbus Ave New York (347) 577-9504

Ost Cafe

441 E 12th St  New York, NY 10009 (212) 477-5600

Caracas Arepa Bar

93 1/2 E 7th St  New York, NY 10003 (212) 529-2314Epicerie Boulud  1900 Broadway  New York, NY 10023 (212) 595-0303 Petrossian Boutique and Cafe911 Seventh Ave New York, NY (212) 245-2217

Lighter-Than-Air-Chocolate Cake

Hello Beloveds, 

Yesterday was my birthday. 

I’m 20. 

Now is such a difficult and strange time, and the past several months have had me all achey and breakey. Growing pains. 

Somehow, yesterday, the sky was tremendous and blue and I felt this delight and calm settle over me. I don’t know if it was the weather, or the fact that I was very tired, or just because I’m no longer a teen. 

But I was so happy. 

I am still so happy. 

A friend asked me what my intention for being 20 is. I told her, I said, "Gratitude and forgiveness. And I want to write better songs." 

That’s all. 

The future is strange and dark. No one, no one, no one knows what is coming next. And yet, somehow yesterday, under that blue sky, I felt a lightness and freedom that I have not felt for a very, very long time. 

It’s all going to come out in the wash, falling down and picking myself up again, with a song in my throat, I go forward. 

We go forward together. 

Thank you thank you thank you. 

Lighter-Than-Air-Flourless-Chocolate-Cake

via SmittenKitchen.com 

My mother baked me this incredible cake. It’s like eating a chocolate cloud. And gluten free! 

To make four cake layers:
12 oz fine-quality bittersweet chocolate (not unsweetened), chopped
6 tablespoons water
12 large eggs, separated, at room temperature
1 1/3 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons Dutch-process unsweetened cocoa powder

For filling: 
2 cups heavy cream
6 tablespoons confectioners sugar, sifted
4 tablespoons Grand Marnier* or Rum of Some Kind or Other 

Make cake layers: Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease four 9-inch circular cake pans and line bottoms of circles with a piece of parchment paper.

Melt chocolate with water in a small heavy saucepan over very low heat, stirring. Cool to lukewarm.

Beat yolks, 2/3 cup sugar, and salt in a large bowl with an electric mixer until thick and pale, about 5 minutes in a standing mixer or about 8 minutes with a hand-held mixer. Fold in melted chocolate until blended. Beat whites with cleaned beaters until they just hold soft peaks (you will need an enormous bowl for 12 egg whites).

Gradually add remaining 2/3 cup sugar and beat until whites just hold stiff peaks. Fold one third of whites into melted-chocolate mixture to lighten, then fold in remaining whites gently but thoroughly.

Spread batter evenly over four baking pans and bake until puffed and top is dry to the touch, 15 to 18 minutes, rotating cakes between racks to ensure they bake evenly. Transfer pans to cooling racks and if necessary, loosen edges with a knife.

Sift cocoa powder over top of cake layers and place a piece of waxed paper over the top of the pans. Place a baking sheet over paper and invert cake onto it, gently peeling off wax paper lining. Place layers in the freezer for about an hour, until they are firm enough to be carefully lifted without breaking.

Make filling: Beat cream with powdered sugar and Grand Marnier with cleaned beaters until it just holds stiff peaks.

Fill and stck cake: Bring first cake layer out of the freezer and arrange on platter, cocoa side down. Spread one-quarter of filling evenly over the cake. Bring the next cake layer out of the freezer, placing it gently over the filling, again cocoa side down. Repeat this process until all layers and whipped cream are used.

Keep cake in the refrigerator until you are ready to serve it. Two hours should be more than enough to assure that the layers are no longer frozen.

Dark chocolate grated into curls with a vegetable peeler makes for an excellent garnish.

* You can substitute the following for Grand Marnier: 4 tablespoons Cognac and 1 teaspoon vanilla; 4 tablespoons cocoa and 1 teaspoon vanilla; or 4 teaspoons instant-espresso powder or instant-coffee granules dissolved in 4 teaspoons water plus 1 teaspoon vanilla.

Blueberry Blackberry Buttermilk Cake

This morning at 8:20 am, my cousin Claire sent me my weekly inspirational text: 

LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.

She texts me this every Monday, religiously. That is just how beyond fantastic she is. 



It is the most important thing in the world to remember. 
I was having such a fine day today. I slept in. I went for a beautiful walk. I felt a lot of love for humanity and life and trees and just everything. 
I thought about the change from summer to fall, and how it's almost a physical feeling: you feel it in your bones. I thought a lot about how I need to find some new dreams to fit the new season. And then I started thinking too much, and suddenly I got overwhelmed with school and with life and how little I know, and how many people I talk to in a single day, and how much there is to learn, and where am I going and what am I doing and what will I do tomorrow and the next day and I want to talk to everyone and do everything, but I also need to read books and write and sing and how do you fit all of this into a day when things like Facebook exist? 

I don't know. 

The thing is, I want to be the kind of girl who simultaneously talks about Botticelli paintings AND rides a motorcycle.



And I had the realization that I'm just not that girl yet. 

I was feeling pretty terrible, until I remembered about LIGHTENING THE FUCK UP. 

And then I began to laugh. And I thought back to this weekend, which was kind of a dream, but also very weirdly wild, and I thought about all the crazy people I know, and I thought about this fantastic cake I baked late last night, just because I wanted to. 

And I remembered that things really aren't bad. 
Perfect? 
Never. 
Actually, that's a lie. 
Things are actually perfect when you eat this cake. 

But just because you do not know what is coming next, it does not mean that things are bad, and just because you are uncertain, it does not mean things are bad, and just because you are young and occasionally do ridiculous things that you maybe say you regret but actually don't, it does not mean things are bad. 
So just LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP. And bake that angst right out of your system. 
Right. Now. 

xoxo


Raspberry or Blueberry or Blackberry Buttermilk Cake
via SmittenKitchen.com who adapted from Gourmet, June 2009

I used blueberries and blackberries instead of raspberries as the cake originally called for. This is divine. A very tender, and very perfect everyday cake that takes minutes to whip together, and even fewer minutes to devour. 

1 cup (130 grams) all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon (2 grams) baking powder
1/2 teaspoon (2 grams) baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 stick (56 grams) unsalted butter, softened
2/3 cup (146 grams) plus 1 1/2 tablespoons (22 grams) sugar, divided
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest (optional)
1 large (57 grams) egg
1/2 cup (118 ml) well-shaken buttermilk
1 cup (5 ounces or 140 grams) fresh raspberries OR blueberries OR blackberries OR both
Preheat oven to 400°F with rack in middle. Butter and flour a 9-inch round cake pan.
Whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt and set aside. In a larger bowl, beat butter and 2/3 cup (146 grams) sugar with an electric mixer at medium-high speed until pale and fluffy, then beat in vanilla and zest, if using. Add egg and beat well.
At low speed, mix in flour mixture in three batches, alternating with buttermilk, beginning and ending with flour, and mixing until just combined.Spoon batter into cake pan, smoothing top. Scatter (see Note) raspberries evenly over top and sprinkle with remaining 1 1/2 tablespoons (22 grams) sugar.
Bake until cake is golden and a wooden pick inserted into center comes out clean, 20 to 25 minutes. Cool in pan 10 minutes, then turn out onto a rack and cool to warm, 10 to 15 minutes more. Invert onto a plate.

i never post recipes anymore

You know what is amazing?
The fact that I have any friends at all. 
I think about this sometimes. 
Because I am so weird. 
So fucking weird. 
So distinctly not normal. 





But then, the hilarious thing, is that whenever I talk to someone else, I am almost immediately convinced of their distinct abnormality. 


I have never met a normal person in my life. 





We are all so fucking messed up. 
Nothing is black and white. 
Nothing is clear. 
Everything is shades of gray.
Everything is messy. 
Everything is complicated and complex and confounding. 


And I have always thought that things could be clear, that people could be normal, that the world was simple. 





It's not. 
Not at all. 


And I am learning to be okay with that. I am trying to love the shades of gray, the loopholes and frustrations and exaggerated twists and turns of being alive and being young and being foolish and doing foolish things and feeling and thinking both not enough and too much at the same time. 





And within this foolish, exaggerated, emotive world, food has taken on this ridiculous importance. 
I have had some wild and glorious and weird times this year, I remember them thusly:


That Night I Embarrassed Myself but the Milkshake Beforehand Was Excellent
The Night of The Best Tiramisu Ever In the History of Mankind
The First Chocolate Malt I Ever Drank with My Brother with The Rolling Stones Blasting
The Eve of the Sad Gelato That Made Me Dislike Tuesdays Less
The Slightly Awkwardly Confessional Thai Dinner
The Disgusting Pizza Eaten at a Ridiculous Hour in a Not Good Place to Eat a Disgusting Pizza
The Insane Potlucks
The Noon of the Delivery of the Apology Cookie
The Afternoon of the Angsty Macaroni and Cheese That Was Surprisingly Good
The Carton of Ice Cream, Eaten in The Rain
The Afternoon of Aloneness and Jasmine Green Tea and a Mysterious Chocolate Confection known as a "Tippy Bar" 
The Night of The Greatest Apple Fritter of My Life On The Way to the Beautiful Park
The Morning of the Regretful Egg Sandwich 





I would say I've been living fully. 
I would say that it's been great. That it's been grand.
That I'm ready for summer. 
That I bet you are too. 
That I bet you're ready for a real recipe. 
I am too. 





But in the meantime, cheers to more shades of gray, to more blessed foolishness, to more meals. 
To more eating with the friends you've got. 
To more weirdness. 
To more bewilderment. 
To more wonderment. 

XOXO

Blueberry Dream Cream Pie

Awards shows are bullshit. I watched Miss America for the first time. The judging process is ridiculous, the 2nd place winner girl was a ventriloquist yodler. You think I'm kidding:

And then there's the Golden Globes, which is basically a glorified dinner party, only with some of the most beautiful people alive. It's not really about the awards, it's about the clothes. Which is fine with me:

Though January Jones apparently didn't get the memo that sometimes more really is more, this one wins the Ugh Contest:

My favorite ensemble was that of Helena Bonham Carter, because she DIDN'T WANT to look like all the other Hollywood princesses. I LOVE everything about her, the crazy hair, the sunglasses, the poufy dress, the SHOES THAT DON'T MATCH. She is what we call Utter Fabulous.

I want to be like Helena Bonham Carter, or at least have some of that "devil may care" sensibility. Life is too short to wear shoes that match. It's glourious when risktakers triumph.

I took a risk yesterday. I made up a new pie.

Generally I am not a make up my own recipes kind of gal. I go out of my way to find new recipes, but rarely do I invent my own. I wear shoes that match.

This is my first step towards a Helena Bonham Carter-esque freedom and liberation from expected norms.

I call it Blueberry Dream Cream Pie.

Blueberries in a dreamy creamy custard. It is heaven. It is freedom. It is new and unusual. It is beautiful. It is my invention. We ate the whole pie in less than 24 hours. I dedicate it to Helena Bonham Carter and the other free spirits, who liberate themselves from expected norms and embrace their eccentric glamour.

I'm going to wear shoes that don't match tomorrow.

Blueberry Dream Cream Pie

One half recipe Best Pie Crust

Filling:
5 eggs
1 scant c. sugar
4 T. melted butter
½ t. vanilla

1/4 t. cinnamon
2 pints blueberries

Topping:
1 t. sugar
¹/8 t. cinnamon

Position an oven rack to the lower third of the oven. Preheat the oven to 350°.

Lightly butter a 9-inch pie plate. On a well-floured surface, roll pie dough into a circle large enough to cover the pie plate and hang 1 inch over the sides. Fit the dough into the pie plate, crimp the crust and place it in the refrigerator to chill while preparing the filling.

Beat the eggs, sugar, butter, vanilla and cinnamon in a mixer, or with a whisk, until completely combined and pale yellow. Remove the pie shell from the refrigerator, arrange blueberries in an even layer in the shell. Pour filling over the blueberries.

Combine sugar and cinnamon for topping and sprinkle over entire pie. Place pie on baking sheet and bake for about 1 hour and 15 minutes, or until the filling has set and the crust is light brown. Allow the pie to cool. Eat.