spoons

I keep trying to collect my thoughts.

I keep wanting to SUM IT UP.

To say,

here is what I have learned, and this is what I've felt, and this is what people are like sometimes, and goodness how time passes so so so quickslowquickly, and isn't the world so fucking confusing.

SO FUCKING CONFUSING.

But there's just too much.

It's impossible to sum up.

I started working in a restaurant as a hostess, and so far, my favorite part of the job is drying the silver. I like that there is a big box of wet knives and forks and THREE different kinds of spoons, and all I have to do is wipe them dry. And once I have dried them I have accomplished something:

I DRIED THOSE SPOONS.

I like that. I like the tactile simplicity of it. It is not complicated. It does not require my brain. And I like that the restaurant hums around me, and I dry spoons and loose myself in just being.

I like that I can just be.

I don't have a recipe for you. I have not been cooking. How I miss it.

What I really wanted to say is: I'm still here.

I am 19 years old and 2 months today.
I do not know where I am going.
I don't know what I'm doing.
And I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day.
I know that I like to sing and I like to dance and I like to write and I like to talk and I like to be hugged and I like to be kissed and I like to be loved and I like to eat and I like people and I like you and I like being.

And I like drying spoons.

On milkshakes. And bitterness.

Someone wrote me a letter recently.

He questioned the happiness I express here.

Why must everything you write be happy? 

He asked me.

Why must you focus on the positive? 

Why don’t you explore the pain, the hate, the bitterness that touches you too?
Because those things all relate to food too. 

Lemons are sour. Onions make you cry. 

It was out of the blue

I didn’t expect it. 

And it hurt me. 

Scared me. 

Seared my soul a little bit. 

There are two sides of anxiety for me

when I am upset I eat

when I am really upset I cannot eat. 

Food does not taste. 

I couldn’t eat that day. 

When I cannot eat 

food is like swallowing

sawdust or marbles 

asphalt

that is what food tastes like.

And for someone who loves to eat 

as much as I do

this is unendurable.

But this person had a point

you cannot be happyhappyjoyjoy all the time,

you have to let it out. 

You cannot have a high without a low. 

You have to feel the pain. 

Let the pain show in your words 

when pain happens

Honesty. 

This person was telling me to be honest

about all of it: 

The joy and the sorrow

to eat it all up. 
And share it. 

So

darling

I hurt sometimes. 

I have had some awful days recently.

If my soul had bones

my bones would have been aching like crazy.

I struggle with self doubt. 
I get so tired sometimes,

all these words and people and places

and repetitive classes and boring lectures

and things I do not care about

coming at me all day every day. 

And all the time, a little voice inside me says

you must care you must care you must care

but I can’t make myself. 

And this year I think my heart ached a little, for the first time,

and that was interesting and achey.

And I ate at the most

miserable steakhouse in the world the other day 

and the floor was covered in peanut shells and I was disgusted.

And I am ready for summer.

I want to stick my head out of a sunroof in a car going fast 

and I want to scream and I want to go skinny dipping and I want to 

write a song that is great not good and I want to be free and I want to be impossible

and I want to do good and I want to do bad and I want to be together and alone. 

There you are. 

There is some of me that is not all light and joy. 

There is a taste of my bitterness, a few of my more minor grievances against the world, 

like those tiny samples they give you at the grocery store in little paper cups. 

But let me tell you something.
When your stomach is coiling in knots
of bitterness or anxiety or sadness or worry or fear and love or wonder or bliss or joy or delight or happiness or boredom 
or none of those things
there is one thing you can always do:





Milkshakes. 
The sweetness rolls around your tastebuds
and freezes them
and the cream coats your belly
and you will feel better. 


I speak from experience.


xoxo


My Favorite Places for Milkshakes in Austin, TX


Top Notch 7525 Burnet Rd., Austin, TX 78757 (THERE IS A DRIVE IN AND THEY BRING THE MILKSHAKE OUT TO YOU AND OH MY IT IS WONDERFUL) 


Hopdoddy Burger Bar 1400 S Congress Ave., Austin, TX 78704


Hut's Hamburgers 807 W 6th St., Austin, TX 78703

Hill-Bert's Burgers 7211 Burnet Rd., Austin, TX 78757

P. Terry's 404 S Lamar Blvd., Austin, TX 78704

Pasta Primavera (again)

I can't remember the last time I made Pasta Primavera. But I remember that I had cooked it for my family and chopped all the vegetables myself in my home. And I remember that I ate most of the balsalmic tomato topping, because that is my favorite part. 


But times they are a changin'. 


On Sunday, I went home and my mother made this for me and my family. I did not make it. 
And I always used to make it. And we sat and ate it with some grilled chicken and white wine, except for my dad who had a Corona:

I keep having these little revelations that everything is so fucking transient, so you better enjoy everything as much as you can. And I'm changing too, all the time.  Which is a little bit crazy. 
Sometimes I think I know very much. 

But that is infrequent.

I am learning things all the time. 

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED

-It is good to make words your own.

-Only buy the utterly fabulous.

-Cigarettes are nasty.

-The most flattering gift you can give is your complete and full attention.

-Do not make assumptions. (HARD)

-"What are you saving for? For another time? There are no other times. There is only now. Right now." -George Balanchine

-Compliment honestly and frequently.

-It is okay to begin the day with chocolate.

-Love is so much bigger than I ever thought it was. It's bigger than clouds. It's more huge than sky. It goes beyond. Hearts are like galaxies within galaxies within constellations within universes. 

-Do not wash your hair every day. Even though it is sad looking on day 2.

-Never let them know.

-Academic snobbery exists and it is noxious.

-Make a list.

-Ask for what you want and risk extreme embarrassment, because sometimes, despite the extreme risk and embarrassment, you actually get what you want. And it's pretty great.

-Pasta Primavera was delicious, is delicious and always will be delicious. 

And that's about it. I really don't know much more than that





xoxo

Pasta Primavera

from The Gourmet Cookbook

This recipe is a little complicated, but completely worth the effort. Also, this is the second time this recipe has appeared on the blog, which means that it's really, really, really good. The previous post about Pasta Primavera is here.

1 ounce dried morel mushrooms

1 1/2 cups warm water

1/2 pound asparagus, trimmed and cut into 1 inch pieces

1/4 green beans, cut into 1 inch pieces

1 cup frozen baby peas, thawed

4 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

2 teaspoons minced garlic

rounded 1/2 teasoon red pepper flakes

salt and freshly ground black pepper

1 1/2 pints tomatoes

1 tablespoon balsalmic vinegar

3 tablespoons water

1 pound spaghettini

1/2 stick (4 tablespoons) butter

2/3 cup heavy cream

1 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest

1 cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano (about 2 ounces)

1/4 cup finely chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley

1/4 cup finely chopped fresh basil

1/3 cup pine nuts, lightly toasted

Prepare the vegetables:

Soak morels in warm water in a small bowl for 30 minutes.

Lift mushrooms out of water and squeeze excess liquid back into bowl. Pour soaking liquid through a sieve lined witha dampened paper towel into a small bowl: reserve. Rinse throughly to remove grit, then squeeze dry. Cut off and discard any tough stems. Halve morels.

Add asparagus and beans to a 6 to 8 quart pot of boiling salted water, and cook, uncovered for 3 minutes. Add peas and cook until beans and asparagus and just tender, 1 to 2 minutes more. Immediately transfer with a slotted spoon to a large bowl of ice water to stop the cooking, (or simply rise with cold water in a colander), drain.

Heat 2 tablespoons oil in a 10 to 12 inch heavy skillet over moderately low heat. Add 1 teaspoon garlic and rounded 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes and cook, stirring until garlic is fragrant, about 1 minute. Add drained vegetables and salt and pepper to taste and cook, stirring for 2 minutes. Transfer to a bowl.

Cook the tomatos:

Cut half of tomatoes into quarters and halve remainder lenghtwise, keeping quarters and halves separate> Heat remaining 2 tablespoons oil in same skillet over moderately low heat. Add remaining 1 teaspoon garlic and remainging rounded 1/4 red pepper flakes and cook, stirring, just until garlic is fragrant, about 1 minute. Add quartered tomatoes, with salt and ppepper to taste and simmer, stirring occasionally, until tomatoes are softened, about 3 minutes. Add halved tomatoes, vinegar and water and simmer, stirring occasionally, until sauce is thickened and halved tomatoes are softened, 3 to 4 minutes. Remove from heat and keep warm, covered.

Cook the spaghettini:

Return pot of water to a boil and cook spgahettinini until al dente; drain in a colander.

Immediately add butter, cream, zest and morels to (empty) pasta pot, bring to a simmer and simmer gently, uncovered, for 2 minutes. Stir in cheese, then add pasta, tossing to coat and adding as much of reserved morel soaking liquid as necessary (1/2 to 2/3 cup) to keep pasta well coated. Add green vegetables, parsley, basil, pine nuts, and salt and pepper to taste, toss gently to combine.

Serve pasta topped with tomatoes and if desired more Parmigiano-Reggino shavings.

Tomorrow + Coconut Macaroons

Tomorrow

i'm not gonna be afraid
of anyone





and i will maybe
wear a big
hat


and i will sing loud


and i will dream sweet dreams


and wake up with a yes
in my mouth
ready to embrace all this 
GOODNESS


but mostly


i will soak up this hot sunshine
and remember that the real world is 
music and cold water and starry skies and warm breezes
and amigos and familia 





and delicious things:

i'm trying to keep it real over here. 





And it's amazing to me
that after one of the worst weeks ever
i am suddenly reminded of how 
this world is so sweet. 
So dear. 
So good. 


xoxo

Coconut Macaroons

from Epicurious. com, cred. Gourmet Magazine, 2005

1 large egg white

1 tablespoon sugar

1/4 teaspoon vanilla

3/4 cup sweetened flaked coconut

Put oven rack in middle position and preheat oven to 300°F. Butter a baking sheet, then line with foil and lightly butter and flour foil, knocking off excess flour.

Stir together egg white, sugar, vanilla, almond extract, and a pinch of salt until combined, then stir in coconut. Divide coconut mixture into fourths, then drop in 4 mounds (about 2 inches apart) onto baking sheet.

Bake until tops are pale golden in spots, 15 to 20 minutes, then carefully lift foil with cookies from baking sheet and transfer to a rack to cool completely, about 15 minutes. Peel macaroons from foil.

Spring Rolls

My love,


I want to tell you a story. 


I think about it a lot. 





Once upon a time there was a boy and there was a girl. 
They met in college. 
And the boy liked the girl, and the girl liked the boy back. 
And one day, she was wearing a blue sweater. 
And he was wearing a brown suede jacket. 
And he looked at her, and she felt like he looked into her soul. 
For a second.
And then he asked her to go out with him, on Halloween. 
And she said, "Sure."
And they went out. 
And they kissed. 
And it was the best kiss ever. 
And that was that. 
And they fell in love. 
He ended up becoming a writer. 
And they went to Europe. 
And he was a dancer for a little while. 
And she taught art to children. 
She taught the children how to make color wheels and things with clay. 
And she wore pink shoes to their wedding. 
And they built a life together. 

Everyone grows up with a love story, I think. That is the love story of my parents.  The abbreviated version. They have built such a beautiful world for themselves. Out of sweat and tears and blood and love. 


I cannot believe it sometimes. 


Sometimes their goodness makes me cry. 


The other day my mother brought me chocolate chip cookies and strawberries and spring rolls. The spring rolls were beautiful. 


Food is absolutely the best manifestation of love.  
Or at least, food is the best manifestation of love until you actually find real romantic love. 
Which I have yet to do. 


So spring rolls are my love of the moment. They are particularly fitting, given that it is so SPRING-ISH right now. I mean, everything is so green. SPRING HAS SPRUNG. It's a beautiful thing. 


How to Make a Spring Roll


I asked my mother what recipe she uses to make these, but she said she just made it up, which is her way. You simply take the rice paper wrappers, dip them in a bowl of hot water until they are soft and pliable and then fill them with thin rice noodles, lettuce, cucumber, tofu, grated carrots and whatever else you like.And serve with a chipotle mayonnaise. That is how my mother makes her spring rolls. 
There are more ideas, plus a real recipe here: http://markbittman.com/vietnamese-summer-rolls


xoxo

Vanilla Sugar Cookies

Several months ago I had the most gorgeous moment:





I realized that I loved my face. 


For the first time in my life, it felt like my physical appearance was finally matching up with the person I felt I was inside. 


And I felt beautiful. 


Not pretty. Not cute. 


Beautiful. 


It was kind of astonishing. 


And it was so funny, because I turned to my roommate and shouted "I'M BEAUTIFUL!"
And she looked at me with this funny expression, and said "Yeah!"and nodded, as if it had been obvious all along. 


But it wasn't. At least not to me. 





Let me tell you something. Growing up ain't no picnic. But sometimes the rewards are really sweet. 
Maybe I am learning to love/accept myself/my perceived flaws. I don't know. Maybe in that moment I just decided to believe in whatever modicum of loveliness maybe I do or don't have. I don't know. Maybe being beautiful is ultimately about not giving a fuck. 
And lately, I have gotten increasingly better at not giving a fuck.


What does this have to do with Sugar Cookies?


Here is my sugar cookie story: Sugar cookies have always seemed like the most pointless cookie. I mean, what is a cookie without chocolate?And for most of my life I have avoided sugar cookies because they seemed so plain-- they lack pizzazz and bravado. And then I had a life-changing sugar cookie that was just beyond delicious. And since then I've loved them. 
I don't know if this new-found love is due to my evolving tastebuds (did you know that your tastebuds allegedly have preferences which change every 7 years?) or if I had epiphany or call from the heavens or what. But sugar cookies are beyond delicious. 





And I am beautiful. 


And so are you. 


xoxo

Vanilla Sugar Cookies

from JoytheBaker.com who got it from The Pastry Queen 

These are kind of seriously scrumptious. But really. Go for it. xoxo

makes 1 dozen 4-inch cookies or 2 dozen 2-inch cookies

1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, at room temperature

1/2 cup vegetable oil, such as canola or sunflower oil or almond oil

1/2 cup granulated sugar, plus additional for sugaring tops

1/2 cup powdered sugar

1 large egg

2 teaspoons vanilla extract, or the seeds of 1 vanilla bean

2 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Line baking sheet with parchment paper, or foil, or grease generously with butter or cooking spray.

Using a mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, beat the butter in a large bowl on medium speed for about 1 minute.  Add the vegetable oil.  It may not fully incorporate with the butter, but that’s ok.  Add the granulated sugar, powdered sugar, egg and vanilla, beating on medium speed until each ingredient is completely incorporated.

Stir in the flour, baking soda and salt all at once using a wooden spoon or the mixer set on low.

The dough will be soft.

Refrigerate the dough for 1 hour or freeze for 15 minutes just so it’s easier to handle.

For large cookies, dollop 2 Tablespoons of cookie dough onto the cookie sheet about 2 inches apart.  For smaller cookies use 1 Tablespoon for each cookie.  Press the dough evenly with your fingers or palm to 1/4-inch thickness.  Generously sprinkle sugar on top of the cookie dough.

Bake for 12 to 14 minutes for larger cookies or 8 to 10 minutes for smaller cookies.  Let the cookies cool on the baking sheet for at least 10 minutes before transferring to racks to cool completely.  The cookies will keep for up to 3 days if stored in an airtight container.